Love Don't Live Here Anymore. Or Does It?
This week, it hit me. I have been single for three years. Time really does fly when you are having fun or better yet when you are trying to discover who you really are. Now that I am finally fully embracing my womanhood another dilemma has appeared in my life. Do I even know what love looks like anymore?
I have been alone for so long. Would I even recognize it if it were standing right in front of my face? I will be honest, fairytales have fucked me up. My real-life romances were nothing like Cinderella.
Love was a mix of intense passion and tears falling down my cheeks. Thirty calls to his phone hoping he would pick up once, a random female’s number saved under a different name, counting condoms in his bedside table just to discover one missing, and constant uncertainty as to where I stand in his heart. It all became a routine regardless of who “he” was. I am trying to figure out if it will be like waves crashing against shore or refreshing like rain on a hot summer day?
Does love even live here anymore? Since my last fling, as sign has been placed around my heart reading “No Vacancy”. He was electric. He lit up my life, but when he abandoned me the connection died along with pieces of my heart. Those pieces were replaced with logical thinking. Maybe that is for the best? I walk away from anything that does not suit me. One bad vibe and I am out the door. I will be honest I do miss being the girl who could love anyone for who they are.
But forreal, what is love exactly? Love makes me nervous. It excites and scares me. I love it and hate it at the same time. I am trying to figure out how God could love so freely? To give her only son. To free people from heartache asking nothing in return. To create life. I wonder…
But I guess I will continue to wonder, because I am not God. I am simply Tiffany Lit’Shae